The Worst Thing About Microsoft's Surface Pro 3 Ad

The Worst Thing About Microsoft's Surface Pro 3 Ad | Damon Poeter | PCMag.com (function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){ (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o), m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m) })(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga'); ga('create', 'UA-3705233-15', 'pcmag.com'); ga('send', 'pageview'); #related-container {display:none !important;}.reviewProducts{float:none;}.reviewProducts ul li h3 {word-break:normal !important;}#rr-email-su,#feature-program{margin:0 0 22px 0;}#subscribe-pcmag{margin:0 0 30px 0;}#google-afc{margin:15px 0 23px 0;}div.ad415{margin:8px 0 21px 0;}div.ad416{margin:0px;} #colorbox, #cboxOverlay, #cboxWrapper {position:absolute; top:0; left:0; z-index:2147483645; overflow:hidden;border-radius:6px;} #cboxOverlay {position:fixed; width:100%; height:100%;} #cboxMiddleLeft, #cboxBottomLeft {clear:left;} #cboxContent {position:relative;-webkit-box-shadow: inset 0px 0px 0px 0px rgba(0,0,0,0.75) ;-moz-box-shadow: inset 0px 0px 0px 0px rgba(0,0,0,0.75);box-shadow: inset 0px 0px 0px 0px rgba(0,0,0,0.75);} #cboxLoadedContent {overflow:auto; } #cboxTitle {margin:0;} #cboxLoadingOverlay, #cboxLoadingGraphic {position:absolute; top:0; left:0; width:100%;} #cboxPrevious, #cboxNext, #cboxClose, #cboxSlideshow {cursor:pointer;} .cboxPhoto {float:left; margin:auto; border:0; display:block;} .cboxIframe {width:100%; height:100%; display:block; border:0;} #cboxOverlay {background:#000;opacity:0.5 !important;} #colorbox {} #cboxContent {background:none; overflow:visible;} #cboxTitle {position:absolute; bottom:-25px; left:0; text-align:center; width:100%; font-weight:bold; color:#7C7C7C;} #cboxCurrent {position:absolute; bottom:-25px; left:58px; font-weight:bold; color:#7C7C7C;} #cboxClose {position:absolute;top:5px;right:10px;width:23px;height:22px;background:url(/img/ss_close.png) no-repeat 0px 0px; text-indent:-9999px;} document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + (document.location.protocol == "https:" ? "https://sb" : "http://b") + ".scorecardresearch.com/beacon.js' %3E%3C/script%3E")); COMSCORE.beacon({ c1:2, c2:6885615, c3:"", c4:"", c5:"", c6:"", c15:"" }); .box {clear:both;} #disqus_thread {clear:both;} News / Opinions/ Features / Deals / How-To/ Business/ Subscribe #trending-box{ width:525px; float:left; display:none; position:absolute; top:35px; right:0px; height:160px;}#search-box{ float:left; width:503px; background:#E4363A; border:1px solid #BA0408; padding:10px 10px 12px;}#search-box ul{ list-style:none; margin:0px; padding:0px 10px; width:145px; float:left; height:130px; border-left:1px solid rgba(255,255,255, .2); border-right:1px solid #d11014;}#search-box ul li{ padding:3px 0; width:145px;}#search-box ul li strong{ padding:3px 0; width:145px; font:13px 'open_sansbold_italic', sans-serif; color:#700406;}#search-box ul li a{ font:13px 'open_sansbold', sans-serif; color:#ffffff;}#search-box ul li a:hover{ text-decoration:underline;} Top Searches Apple Watch iPhone Apps Best Antivirus Best Router Trending Apple iPhone 6 Apple iOS 8 Connected Home Best Android Apps Hot Reviews Motorola Moto 360 DestinyApple MacBook Pro Nikon D810 All Reviews Laptops Tablets Phones cameras hdtvs gaming desktops printers monitors storage ipad apps iPhone Apps android apps software security networking Routers servers scanners projectors Wearables Health & Fitness Digital Home cars speakers headphones mp3 players ebook readers all categories editors' choice Laptops / Tablets / Phones / Apps / Software / Security / Printers / Cameras / HDTVs Home/ Reviews/ Tablets/ The Worst Thing About Microsoft's Surface Pro 3 Ad The Worst Thing About Microsoft's Surface Pro 3 Ad By Damon Poeter December 22, 2014 Comments Redmond's pitch for its latest tablet is a crazy man screaming at himself. 0shares Surface Pro 3 VIEW ALL PHOTOS IN GALLERY

Leave it to Redmond to out-awful even the most ear-wormy holiday songs in the windless sea of crazy-making Noel dreck we are forced to navigate at this time of year. Microsoft's "Winter Wonderland"-inspired spot for the Surface Pro 3 , now airing at the break for every single show on every single channel offered by every single cable provider, is like the depressing auto-loop pub fixture "Wonderful Christmastime," only with the added insult of base mercantilism and no easy access to egg nog.

OpinionsNobody likes the Surface Pro 3 ad, not even its creators. It's just awful from start to finish. Begin with the butchering of a holiday classic with lyrics celebrating a USB port. Progress through the unironic presentation of an ugly Café Press DIY dog mug as a somehow appropriate and festive gift that anybody would consider giving anyone else ever. Crescendo with the hopeless and embarrassing forfeiture of independent will represented by the sad-sack lead vocalist's conversion to Team Surface.

If Microsoft's intent was to troll holiday happiness, it has achieved unparalleled success. Pre-heart enlargement Grinch-level success.

But there's more. Most of us simply turn off our brains as best we can when the "Winter Wonderland" Surface Pro 3 ad comes on for the umpteenth time during an NFL game. Me, I decided to actually listen to it closely over the weekend.

And I discovered something astonishing, something you will not be able to un-hear once I reveal it.

Microsoft Surface Pro 3 : AngleMicrosoft Surface Pro 3 : With KeyboardMicrosoft Surface Pro 3 : ProfileMicrosoft Surface Pro 3 : KickstandMicrosoft Surface Pro 3 : BackMicrosoft Surface Pro 3 : Memory CardMicrosoft Surface Pro 3 : CradleVIEW ALL PHOTOS IN GALLERY

Microsoft was too cheap to hire more than one male singer! No, seriously. The Surface Pro 3 song has a basic call-and-response structure, where the lead voice ?the one that sounds like an even sadder Ray Romano?issues a statement, then gets a reply from a larger chorus of voices.

Only the chorus has a very distinctive voice within it, which is that of the original, primary male vocalist.

It's really quite bizarre when you think about it, which I have now done far more than is healthy. But I can't stop wondering what the point of this was, what Microsoft's message is here. Because the entire dynamic of this song is that you've got this miserable, passive-aggressive schmuck who transparently betrays his utter lack of confidence in his own tablet purchase ... and then joins in throatily with the very mob heaping know-it-all disdain upon his exposed inadequacy.

In fact, it's almost brilliant, if it was intentional. Is Microsoft selling the Surface Pro 3 with an elaborate deconstruction of the outward certainty we wear, like masks, in our consumer culture? Here we have a man who is so undone by the challenge of selecting between two tablets which are objectively closer in kind than different from each other, that he is driven to the brink of madness, launching into a manic monologue with himself that simultaneously expresses deep self-loathing and cocksuredness, all while descending into an unhinged obsession over kickstands.

It's like advertising by Kafka.

Anyway, I think I like my/your/our/their Surface Pro 3. Or not. Or something. And is it okay to re-gift an ugly dog mug?

VIEW ALL PHOTOS IN GALLERY Back to top Previous : The Tech That Will Dominate 2015 The Best Apple iPad Accessories Next : Damon Poeter By Damon Poeter Reporter

Damon Poeter got his start in journalism working for the English-language daily newspaper The Nation in Bangkok, Thailand. He covered everything from local news to sports and entertainment before settling on technology in the mid-2000s. Prior to joining PCMag, Damon worked at CRN and the Gilroy Dispatch. He has also written for the San Francisco Chronicle and Japan Times, among other newspapers and periodicals. More »

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